Today is actually day 55 since I left the USA. Day 32 was just the FIRST really hard day I’ve had since leaving home. This one is going to be pretty raw and blunt, so please proceed at your own risk……
The knowledge that there is the possibility of many more tough, rough, hard, sad, shitty-feeling days does not escape or frighten me. But the first time it happens? We tend to remember days like these. And I fully intend on telling you all about it!
But first, let’s talk about something a little more recent…
The past 3 weeks, when I am not teaching the kids, it’s been hard for me to get the energy to do anything else. Was even forcing myself to workout in the mornings hoping that would help me feel “normal.” I thought it was just the heavy humidity, and all the rice and Yipys I had consumed the first month. Not so.
Then I twisted my ankle 2 weeks ago while running. Goddess Tara, um…wait, wait, wait, let’s pause for a second….this may not be the only time I bring her up, so let me introduce you:
Goddess Tara 99.9% of the time, draped in all-white-flowing awesomeness with enough silver jewelry to sound like a jingling gypsy; is one of my teachers who came along when the student was ready. Like they all do! 😉 She is a reflection of love, light, me…and actually, you too! When I am having trouble, either remembering who I am or just plain trouble, she is an example of my higher self. A conduit of the awesome energy of all of it, none of it, and everything in between. I understand that one day soon I will fully know, remember and feel myself as this; for now, she’s a go-to when my channels aren’t so clear.
Goddess Tara reminded me that energy enters the body from the left side. Knowing full well that it was a sign to slow down, or even: Fucking stop Sara! Use your tools, pay attention. What was I missing???? I thought I was all good. But yet, there has been this underlying feeling of unsettledness.
When I arrived in this village, I felt I was going to “fix” everyone’s issues. Looking back, I can see how my ego was standing on top of the school, donning a brilliant red cape that was billowing in the wind! Not to say that wishful thinking isn’t positive. I just tend to think with totalitarian visualizations.
Being the INCREDIBLY sensitive girl that I am, (been that way since birth), It’s other’s energies I can pick up so easily. Goddess Tara also reminded me about empathy and compassion. Being empathetic, (which we ALL are on some level) can lower the individual’s energy fields, thus allowing accidents to come in. Enter: twisted ankle on the left side. Being compassionate with one’s self first, then extending to others, is a stronger way to deal with environments. Big sigh, okie dokie, thumbs up.
These people aren’t unhappy people. Yes they go through their own daily routines with a lot less than other people, but this doesn’t make them unhappy or necessarily want “fixing.” This is a small jungle-mountain town, and the mentality could be the same as that of a tiny mountain town in my home states of Colorado or Wyoming. Just different. (This is what I wanted to experience, right??!!)
I had been driving myself crazy, racking my brain, to figure out how to turn the whole town around. WHAAAAAAAAT??!!!!!
They don’t eat organic, and vegetables are rare. Certainly green ones are. They use bleach and unfriendly earth products to clean, and from the houses I’ve been to, the tv is on ALOT of the time. Let me be very very clear, this is not judging them or their lifestyle. This is their journey to learn from it as they are. I am stating that this environment is soooooooo different from how I live my life and what I want in my journey, that my brain-racking coupled with this has probably caused my “heavy bubble.”
Also to boot, I’ve mentioned that we live up in the mountain, yes? Well if not, we are up a very, very, 4-wheel drive only, steep road. About 15 minute drive to Uvita, the closest town for groceries. Would take me about 1.5 hours to walk all the way into town. And I don’t even wanna think about the hike back. So waking to the store is not an option, and believe me, I’ve seriously thought about it!!!
BE COMPASSIONATE WITH MYSELF FIRST!
Here is the enlightenment that has come after all this. The books and butterflies.
Ooooooooh, ok so I’ve been up here, up in this mountain town, “cocooning” myself these past three weeks. Pretty much since Day 32. When walking home from school, I’ve been trying to piece this puzzle all together; this is what my logical mind loooooves to do! Look up Jnana Yoga. Clarity was received through reading, creating, and Yoga.
Currently I am in a relationship with 3 books. I get too bored with one at a time. 😉 Loads of excellent advice has been coming through from these wonderful authors, of whom I will be listing names and publications below. They are reminding me that free will is my(our) gift and we can choose to create life, as well as create IN life. So, my personal study/practice of yoga has deepened, and I am enjoying it thoroughly. This means everything from thought observations, to asanas, to meditation, to self healing, to how I treat and speak to others. As you are reading now, my love for writing has opened back up in my soul and heart. It has always been a favorite outlet of mine, with diaries and poetry as a young girl. Though, this is something that got blocked some years ago. It has slowly been opening up since journaling and when I started to dabble in song writing. I am ADORING it and very much in love with how words are flowing out of me, right at this very moment. I feel a river of divine energy streaming straight through. Blessed. I love my life. I love creating and co-creating. I love you and I love me.
Everything is in divine perfect order right now!!!!! We are like a caterpillar that blooms into different butterflies over and over and over in our life.
Day 32 was possibly the beginning of this cocoon wrapping. Already not feeling so hot, I made the decision to go to Julio’s (Rosi’s husband) family’s dairy farm, 2 hours from here. There I was, almost in the middle of the country, up in a farm with a 3-day bought of my first traveler’s diarrhea, tired of only hearing Spanish, longing to have a brilliant conversation in English with really big words, watching a family talk, laugh, and love. The afternoon we were departing, I broke down into tears. I allowed my self to cry and wallow, for just long enough. Then I was re-minded to remember that it is all part of my wonderful journey. And, as my dear amazing Steph said on the day I departed San Diego, “You choose this Sara!” Thank you for that. xxx
Only light can enter where there are cracks.
I recognize this process, as I’ve been through it many times. I am preparing to fly into the next part of my magical journey.
This has been a very interesting time in San Josecito. I have learned a lot, and truly hope that I shared enough love and light with all these souls. Lord knows they did with me! I feel it is time to move on, come end of the month. Let’s see what happens over the next 2 weeks!!!!
Hugs and Love,
Conversations with God- Neale Donald Walsch
Yoga, The Spirit and Practice of Moving Into Stillness- Erich Schiffmann
Big Magic- Elizabeth Gilbert